November 2 :: 4:45 a.m.

4:45 a.m. I got up when I heard the tub running. He said it's like a 5 with spikes of 6 or 7. He's been up a while.

Was asleep downstairs when I found him at 2:55 a.m. Came to bed then.

I'm filming this one. It's so hard to sit here with the camera while he's in so much pain. But I can't do anything about it. I'm utterly powerless to stop it, I can only sit with him and provide maybe some small amount of mental comfort. I guess I might as well tape it as long as I'm busily doing nothing fucking else.

He says that he was too tired to pace, so he came up to the tub.

He's being funny and acting for the camera. My god, how can he do that?? I think he's actually mostly asleep too. So strange.

5:25 he's feeling somewhat less horrible and is drifting in and out of sleep in the tub.

MY DILEMMA AT THIS POINT always is: a) do I wake him up and drag him back to bed so I can go to sleep, because there doesn't seem to be any point in my valiantly trying to keep myself awake just so I can stare at him sleeping in the tub; b) do I leave him in the tub (or wherever he's passed out) and go back to bed myself; or c) do I stay awake with him until he wakes up on his own, and then put him back in bed?
I don't want to do B or C but A always seems like it's too soon to make him wake back up... it's like as soon as I hear him snoring I know he's asleep and at least not consciously feeling it anymore, and I want to pack it in and go back to bed but am torn because I can't just leave him there by himself in the water.

Eh... I hate this