Doc's Cluster Headache Journal

Friday, May 23, 2008

It's five o'clock, my mask is cracking...

It's five o'clock in the morning so I doubt I will be eloquent, charming, or funny. But I wanted to make a post because my head is killing me. It's not the searing white-hot poker pain of a cluster headache, I guess it's a migraine, hell, does it really matter anymore? All I know is I hurt a lot. 15 years ago it made a difference if it was a level 3 or a level 4... now its more about having had headaches nearly every day for years on end. I have crossed a threshold where I have some type of pain more than I don't and that sucks. I find myself almost nostalgic for the days of the powerful but short lived attacks that left me much more space in between to feel "normal".

I'm very tired at the moment and somewhat down. I got a lot done yesterday but not as much as I wanted to. And now it's five o'clock in the morning, and I fell asleep downstairs again but really didn't get any rest because I'm pretty sure I had a headache the entire time. And when it started hurting so bad that I woke up from it, I didn't feel like I could, or wanted to go back to sleep.

I'm sure that I will crawl up stairs a little while and curl up next my wonderful wife, sleep for a few hours and rebound mentally. I have no doubt that'll be able to face new day and new challenges with something that approaches normal human behavior. But I have to tell you, I really wish I didn't have to do this little dance. I really wish I knew what was like to just be me and not be pretending to be someone who I think is like me...

Honestly, I would really love to know what I am really like because after nearly 2 decades of having to try to push what I remember of myself and my personality through this wrecked, exhausted, and pain tempered shell, I'm not sure I know anymore.


  • I see who you are through the pain, every single day. Your strength, intelligence, and kindness shine through. It's admirable. I know that's probably hard for you to see, but I see it.

    By Blogger Katy, at 5/26/2008 8:54 PM  

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