Friday Nov. 25
I feel awful at the moment. I don't know if other people get this but during a cycle I cant see movies without getting pain from it... I assume its the flicker of the screen. We went to see a film this afternoon and I am now trashed... only about a 3 or so during the spikes but its bad because I'm so tired and down.
The last couple of weeks have been tough. Almost constant headaches, the intense night time versions seem to be over. but now comes the "ramp down" When I first started getting clusters it seemed like when the brutal attacks ceased then it was a very short time until the lesser ones stopped also, But over the years it seems to be changing and now they can take months to taper off. I have been feeling more and more Isolated from my friends because I am getting to the point where I say crazy and offensive things due to my state of mind/exhaustion. I cant be "myself" around people because they could never understand... I have to perform. I have to keep up appearances for their comfort.
I fought last night with one of my best friends because he insinuated that I was jaded, selfish and perhaps was not progressing creatively because I wasn't willing to help other people achieve their creative goals. I felt bad because I sort of went off on him... I felt he was terribly wrong and that I have spent enormous amounts of time doing just that.. My reward seems to be people not taking my creative efforts seriously or worse taking ideas directly from me and claiming them as their own. All the effort I put into encouraging and supporting artistic endeavors of others seems to be forgotten... I am back to ground zero with no credibility with even my close friends.
I keep hoping that someone will pick me up and offer to help ME. But I can see that Karma will not be returning to me in this life. I don't think people realize how tired and beaten I am from the years of plugging away at pulling myself out of poverty, spending a quarter of my life in pain and still trying to create works of art and passion. When is it my turn to have someone help me achieve my goals?
Katy is the exception of course. If I didn't have Katy I would be gone... I really think thats true, I would not have survived this far, at least not as I am... I would be an addict... recluse... insane... deceased... some form of surrender. If the worst of it is that I'm a bit bitter... HELL! I will take that... I earned that much.