Doc's Cluster Headache Journal

Sunday, January 08, 2006

January 8th 2006

I have been feeling better over the last few weeks but a few things still trigger mild attacks.

Drinking– I can't do it. This is normal for me during a cycle. Over the holidays I tried to join in on the social drinking a couple of times but shortly after a drink I would feel the spring start to compress. I would often have to excuse myself from festivities because I felt like I was "bringing people down" I have never been much of a drinker but it's sad to be so left out.

Myself, my wife and her brothers where in a liquor store in Seattle and being a different part of the country I saw some "Fun" booze that I wanted to get people to try. That is sort of a fun little thing I like to do for parties.. Have some strange beverage that people get a kick out of. I like to shake people out of their habits when I can. So I picked up a bottle of grapefruit flavored vodka I had never seen before and ask my wife "do you think anyone will want to try this?" She reminded me that if I drank I would surely get a headache and I was like a popped bubble. I shuffled back and put it on the shelf and started to sob. I couldn't help it I was so tired and it just reminded me how different I had become... how "outside" I tried to keep a stiff upper lip but I welled up and started getting mad/frustrated... over such a small thing. I didn't want Katy to feel she had done anything wrong... she hadn't, but I couldn't hide that I was upset from her. I worry about these little "wedges" that seem to get shoved into our relationship at times... How much of me acting badly can she take before her feelings for me start to change in subtle ways?

I know she loves me but it has to affect her.

Doc.

2 Comments:

  • well, i should have realized that you knew damn well you'd get a h.a. if you drank, and kept my trap shut.

    by the way, your moods definitely affect me. i think it would be a bad sign if they didn't. but here's the thing: i know that near the end of your cycles you've been beaten down so much that you're like a rope stretched so tightly it's at the breaking point. it's your job not to let the rope break when you can help it, and my job to protect you from outside forces that could pop it and also to try and loosen the slack a little when i'm able.

    it gets overwhelming for both of us sometimes, and we need to always keep in mind how much we are BOTH affected, in ways that sometimes we don't even realize until one of us has a breakdown in the liquor store. or one of us has a panic attack at the thought of going out to dinner with a friend, by herself.

    we both try to hide it and "be strong" for the other person. maybe we shouldn't.

    and it's totally not fair... but we can't do anything about that. it's just the way it is. i wasn't deluding myself before we got married, thinking it would somehow magically go away.

    so we accept that it sucks, and that we both wish wholeheartedly that the h.a.'s would just GO THE FUCK AWAY... and that we're both only human, and we're doing the best we can. you and me, we're a partnership -- a team. we support each other and move forward as best we can.

    and the bright spots in our marriage far outweigh the utter suckiness of this cluster issue, anyway!!

    -Katy

    By Blogger Katy, at 1/10/2006 8:55 PM  

  • If we can ever be of any help, let us know.

    Bobw
    www.clusterbusters.com

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6/11/2006 12:55 AM  

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