January 8th 2006
I have been feeling better over the last few weeks but a few things still trigger mild attacks.
Drinking– I can't do it. This is normal for me during a cycle. Over the holidays I tried to join in on the social drinking a couple of times but shortly after a drink I would feel the spring start to compress. I would often have to excuse myself from festivities because I felt like I was "bringing people down" I have never been much of a drinker but it's sad to be so left out.
Myself, my wife and her brothers where in a liquor store in Seattle and being a different part of the country I saw some "Fun" booze that I wanted to get people to try. That is sort of a fun little thing I like to do for parties.. Have some strange beverage that people get a kick out of. I like to shake people out of their habits when I can. So I picked up a bottle of grapefruit flavored vodka I had never seen before and ask my wife "do you think anyone will want to try this?" She reminded me that if I drank I would surely get a headache and I was like a popped bubble. I shuffled back and put it on the shelf and started to sob. I couldn't help it I was so tired and it just reminded me how different I had become... how "outside" I tried to keep a stiff upper lip but I welled up and started getting mad/frustrated... over such a small thing. I didn't want Katy to feel she had done anything wrong... she hadn't, but I couldn't hide that I was upset from her. I worry about these little "wedges" that seem to get shoved into our relationship at times... How much of me acting badly can she take before her feelings for me start to change in subtle ways?
I know she loves me but it has to affect her.