June 29th 2006

It's been a while since I posted... I think I'm in one of my "ignore it and maybe it will go away" phases.

For the last few months I have experienced a long string on off and on 24-48 hour headaches but only a relatively small number of intense focused Classic Cluster pain fests. I don't know whether to be glad for this or not... Is it easier to function if you have 45min of hell once a night or if you have one tenth of that pain that stays with you for days? Also I have to say that with these "long and low" headaches I also get the profound feeling of being "stupid" it is like 1/3 of my mental capacity is out of commission. It actually has a physical feeling like an empty place in my head, behind my right eye, surprise! and here is the kicker, I have also been getting migraines, with all the light sensitivity and feelings of nausea. I have even had both at the same time and yes, I seem to feel them as separate yet simultaneous headaches.

Sleeping has become a real problem. I fight it, I hate it, sleep is when bad things happen. I think its like a pavlovian response. I guess if you go for a decade waking from sleep with pain that crushes everything you are, you get to the point that I am at. Why sleep? why not face the thing head on... do you want to be unconscious on the tracks or see the freight train coming?

I want to stress that none of this is a conscious choice for me mind you, I just find myself occupying my mind at wee hours of the morning and then I pass out like I'm some sort of 40's-esque ideal of a robot which has blown a fuse. For as long as I can remember, I have always had trouble with sleep. Long before the headaches came, so the pain has just exacerbated it really.

Actually I am sure its all related. Whatever parts of my brain that are failing and causing the hollow feeling in my head followed by the wash of chemicals that hit the millions of nerve endings causing "me" to be replaced by something writhing and twitching... I'm sure also effects my sleep and concentration on a more chemical/physiological level than is currently understood.

It would all make so much sense. I sometimes don't "think" as well as I know I can, I have memory problems, I have to force knowledge into my head like the last breath into a balloon thats about to pop, I despise sleep and don't really "fall" asleep as much as I simply cease to function, and I have the headaches... Coincidence? I doubt it.

It may be a while before I post again... like I said I'm wishing the headaches away.